This is a blog post that I have put off writing for a long time. Sometimes there is such a great depth in a topic that I feel inadequate to convey, and so often times the result is that I never try. But I feel like this is important. People who are first going overseas to do mission work, whether it be orphan care, evangelism, planting churches, tend to have a rose-tinted view of what their work will look like. Part of that is due to inexperience and a sense of adventure. Exciting unknowns allows their imaginations to paint a picture that is often times not at all accurate. However, I believe that another contributing factor to this phenomenon is often the folks who are already on the field. Often times in our letters home we mention the cheery things. The exciting things. The milestones. The hard situations that have been overcome. And while this is good and right to do, it is sometimes not a honest representation of what our lives look like.
In my life, I know that this is what I tend to do. It is easier for me to type out a fun update about dressing up, or something silly that one of my girls did, than to dredge through some of the harder parts of what it means to be a foster mom and present it in a way that is not over dramatic or complaining and keeps everyone's dignity intact. So, with the aim of shattering flowery glass and giving a more complete glimpse into my life... here we go!
Most of you know that my girlies all have some sort of disability. CP, blindness, mental delays,etc. But my girls also have a hidden disability that sometimes effects them even more than their physical handicaps. All of my girls have some degree of Attachment Disorder.
Some of my girls have somewhat mild cases, and mostly result in them needing constant and consistent reassurance that I love them and that I see them, and having difficulty being able to have a special and intimate relationship with the people who are close to them. If any of you were to walk in to my house tomorrow, you would be smothered by hugs and affection. Most people think that the girls are being very welcoming and loving. Most people don't stop and consider it odd that they (a complete stranger) were welcomed with the same affection that I would be welcomed with. My girls don't differentiate between relationships. Anyone who will give them the attention that they crave will do. We have been making baby steps in this area (learning to shake hands and give high-fives over hugs to new volunteers that come in, to come to me when they are hurt, feel sad, need something, etc) but it takes time to make a child feel secure in the love that you have for them after so many years of inconsistency.
One of my girls has a much more severe form of attachment disorder.
She is afraid. So afraid. Afraid of trusting anyone or letting anyone close to her, lest they hurt her like so many others have. Afraid of loving someone, lest they leave her like so many have done in her past. We have our different seasons of behaviors and issues. Some days (weeks, months) she won't even look at me. When I try to spend time with her she acts like she's asleep. Some days (weeks, months) she can be happy with everyone and play with everyone except for me. Some days (weeks, months) she has aggressive outbursts (lasting anywhere from 5min-2hrs) over seemingly mundane things. She is a tough cookie... and she is smart. She knows how to manipulate. She knows how to triangulate (pitting adults against each other). Sometimes she is just hard to live with.
Something I've learned about kids with attachment disorder is that they are sick. Their heart is sick. They don't know how to love or be loved. Heaven knows how many scars my girlie has on her heart from abandonment, separation, rejection, abuse, and the like. If I look at my special girl, and just see the behaviors, it is easy to get frustrated and angry with her ("She threw a fit for no reason" "I didn't do anything wrong, why doesn't she like me?"). But when I look at her and recognize that these behaviors are stemming from a heart that is sick and is afraid of love, it encourages me to have a greater compassion and love for her than I did before. Love, consistent and unshakable, is the only cure I know of for such a condition.
Now, I can't tell you that after almost a year of ((trying)) to love her that there has been a substantial change. Sure, we have some sweet moments, and some days are better than other days, but she is a long, long way from being a healthy kid that can love and be loved. Part of me wonders if that is even possible for her. And that is hard. It is hard for me to near the end of my commitment here, and wonder if I made any difference for her. It is hard for me to contemplate leaving, and wonder if I am doing her more harm than good by fighting to build trust with her and then uproot with no idea if or when I will come back.
It is frustrating for me personally to not be able to see the fruit of something that has been a long and (very) hard process. It can be overwhelming as I wonder how many miles we have yet to go before she can be healthy.
And that is one of the many hard and often unrecognized aspects of mission work. Sometimes you work, and you work hard, but there is still a mountain of granite in front of you, and you've only chipped away a few pebbles.
Living with and loving her has made me discover this world of attachment disorder and hard kids in a way I couldn't have predicted. It has shown me so much about myself, about God, and about his Father heart. Loving those who are unlovable is what the Gospel is all about.
'But God demonstrates his own love toward us, that while we were still sinners, Christ DIED for us.'
-Romans 5:8
'And you, who once were alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now He has reconciled in the body of His flesh through death.'
-Colossians 1:21-22
'Behold, what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called
children of God!'
-1 John 3:1a
Please be praying for her and for all my girls as we near this transition process. Pray that Father would make known to their hearts the steadfastness and faithfulness of His love. That they would be grounded in the truth that He will NEVER leave them, and He NEVER forsakes them. No matter what.
