Tough Love

This is a blog post that I have put off writing for a long time. Sometimes there is such a great depth in a topic that I feel inadequate to convey, and so often times the result is that I never try. But I feel like this is important. People who are first going overseas to do mission work, whether it be orphan care, evangelism, planting churches, tend to have a rose-tinted view of what their work will look like. Part of that is due to inexperience and a sense of adventure. Exciting unknowns allows their imaginations to paint a picture that is often times not at all accurate. However, I believe that another contributing factor to this phenomenon is often the folks who are already on the field. Often times in our letters home we mention the cheery things. The exciting things. The milestones. The hard situations that have been overcome. And while this is good and right to do, it is sometimes not a honest representation of what our lives look like.

 In my life, I know that this is what I tend to do. It is easier for me to type out a fun update about dressing up, or something silly that one of my girls did, than to dredge through some of the harder parts of what it means to be a foster mom and present it in a way that is not  over dramatic or complaining and keeps everyone's dignity intact. So, with the aim of shattering flowery glass and giving a more complete glimpse into my life... here we go!

Most of you know that my girlies all have some sort of disability. CP, blindness, mental delays,etc. But my girls also have a hidden disability that sometimes effects them even more than their physical handicaps.  All of my girls have some degree of Attachment Disorder.

Some of my girls have somewhat mild cases, and mostly result in them needing constant and consistent reassurance that I love them and that I see them, and  having difficulty being able to have a special  and intimate relationship with the people who are close to them. If any of you were to walk in to my house tomorrow, you would be smothered by hugs and affection. Most people think  that the girls are being very welcoming and loving. Most people don't stop and consider it odd that they (a complete stranger) were welcomed with the same affection that I would be welcomed with. My girls don't differentiate between relationships. Anyone who will give them the attention that they crave will do.  We have been making baby steps in this area (learning  to shake hands and give high-fives over hugs to new volunteers that come in, to come to me when they are hurt, feel sad,  need something, etc) but it takes time to make a child feel secure in the love that you have for them after so many years of inconsistency.

One of my girls has a much more severe form of  attachment disorder.

She is afraid. So afraid. Afraid of trusting anyone or letting anyone close to her, lest they hurt her like so many others have. Afraid of loving someone, lest they leave her like so many have done in her past. We have our different seasons  of behaviors and issues. Some days (weeks, months) she won't even look at me. When I try to spend time with her she acts like she's asleep. Some days (weeks, months) she can be happy with everyone and play with everyone except for me. Some days (weeks, months) she has aggressive outbursts (lasting anywhere from 5min-2hrs) over seemingly mundane things.  She is a tough cookie... and she is smart. She knows how to manipulate.  She knows how to triangulate (pitting adults against each other). Sometimes she is just hard to live with.

Something I've learned about kids with attachment disorder is that they are sick. Their heart is sick. They don't know how to love or be loved.  Heaven knows how many scars my girlie has on her heart from abandonment, separation, rejection, abuse, and the like.  If I look at my special girl, and just see the behaviors, it is easy to get frustrated and angry with her ("She threw a fit for no reason" "I didn't do anything wrong, why doesn't she like me?").  But when I look at her and recognize that  these behaviors are stemming from a heart that is sick and is afraid of love,  it encourages me to have a greater compassion and love for her than I did before. Love, consistent and unshakable, is the only cure I know of  for such a condition.

 Now, I can't tell you that after almost a year of ((trying)) to love her that there has been a substantial change. Sure, we have some sweet moments, and some days are better than other days, but she is a long, long way from being a healthy kid that can love and be loved. Part of me wonders if that is even possible for her. And that is hard. It is hard for me to near  the end of my commitment here, and wonder if I made any difference for her. It is hard for me to contemplate leaving, and wonder if I am doing her more harm than good by fighting to build trust with her and then uproot with no idea if or when I will come back.

It is frustrating for me personally to not be able to see the fruit of something that has been a long and (very) hard process. It can be overwhelming as I wonder how many miles we have yet to go before she can be healthy.

 And that is one of the many hard and often unrecognized aspects of mission work. Sometimes you work, and you work hard,  but there is still a mountain of granite in front of you, and you've only chipped away a few pebbles.

Living with and loving her has made me discover this world of attachment disorder and hard kids in a way I couldn't have predicted. It has shown me so much about myself, about God, and about his Father heart. Loving those who are unlovable  is what the Gospel is all about.

'But God demonstrates his own love toward us,  that while we were still sinners, Christ DIED for us.' 

-Romans 5:8

'And you, who once were alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now He has reconciled  in the body of His flesh through death.'

-Colossians 1:21-22

'Behold, what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called 

children of God!' 

-1 John 3:1a

Please be praying for her and for all my girls as we near this transition process. Pray that Father would make known to their hearts the steadfastness and faithfulness of His love.  That they would be grounded in the truth that He will NEVER leave them, and He NEVER forsakes them. No matter what.

Easter in India

Click here to view post!

Saris & Paper Mache

Click here to view post!

Change

It seems like there is always something changing here. I guess that is just life. Change is good, change is hard, change is growing. And we have a lot of  changes coming to Jubilee home.
The family that I have been working with for the past 4 months is going to be transitioning back to the States in November. As they head back home, we are going to be having our own transition. My girls and I are going to be moving into the apartment currently occupied by the Rippee family, and the rest of the girls at Jubilee are going to be spread out between the buildings 4 floors. It is going to be hard to not to have other foreigners in the house that can understand you and give you help and advice. It is going to be difficult not to have a quiet space to be able to relax in. But it will be good to be able to be nearer to the girls and build better connections with them. I had been praying that God would show us how to live in a more family-style home, and it seems like this is the way he has chosen to provide. I am looking forward to being able to be more consistent and stable for the girls.
I am also excited to be able to implement strategies to help the girls learn responsibility and independence. One of the ways I am wanting to do that is to get each of them their own clothes. It seems like such a simple thing, but my girls share almost everything. I'd like to be able to get them all nice clothes that fit them properly, and most importantly, belong to THEM. If you'd like to help outfit my little Chicks, you can gift them items from my amazon wishlist here. 
My address:

Michaela Stam
H 20 Rd. 1
Prashasan Nagar Jubilee Hills
Hyderabad, TELANGANA - 500033
Mobile #:7036420239

Thank you all so much for your prayer and support! I am looking forward to what Father has for the  up coming months! 

All we need

It has been a shamefully long time since I have given any sort of update. The more time passes, the harder it is to write one. There is so much going on and so much that happens that it is hard to pick a topic. I could talk about my adventures; Sari shopping, having an auto run out of gas in the middle of a busy intersection, praying with a beggar on the street,  learning how to ride the bus, having the Hyderabad police run off two gay men that were trying to get money from the group of volunteers I was with, etc, etc. I could talk about my girls; each of  the ways I have seen each of them struggle and thrive, how I've seen them grow, the things I want to teach them, and everything I want to give them. I could talk about me; what I am learning, how Jesus has been growing me, and what that looks like in my life. Shoot, I could talk about the culture, relationships with other volunteers, the ways I've seen God's provision, the Church here, and on and on.

So what am I going to talk about?

Well, all of the above and none of the above. :)

I am going to talk about love. 

I know, it sounds really cliche. And maybe it will be. But this is what I've been thinking about. 


"The children here, all they need is love. You can give them that."
We were sitting in a bus, waiting to get started. The nurse and I started talking about the kids at SCH and the different volunteers that come through when she made that comment. It made me stop and think.

I think I have gained a view of what love is. Before, I had a good definition, but I think I am now beginning to understand it more what it looks like... And how un-loving I can be sometimes.

Love is taking initiative- Being aware of the needs of the people around you. Being responsible enough to do something about it.Having the courage to upset the apple cart and do something out of the norm in order to help and bring about a change.

Love is persistent- Love takes initiative consistently. It is proactive. It is desiring the best for someone and doing everything you can to obtain that, even when it isn't well received or appreciated. It is continually pouring into people who may never be able to do the same to you.

Love is being willing to do hard thing-Sometimes love doesn't feel good. Sometimes love means not letting a kid get away with being naughty, and helping them learn the difference between right and wrong. Sometimes just giving a hug and moving on isn't helpful or loving. You have to deal with the problem, even if it means spending 45 minutes getting a kid to spend 3 minutes in time out.




'God is love' (1John 4:8)
He took initiative-He knew our need, and did something about it. Even though it was totally crazy and wouldn't make sense to anyone.

He was persistent- He is persistent in drawing our hearts towards himself, in convicting us and molding us into the image of His Son, even when we don't enjoy or appreciate it .


He was willing to do hard things- The cross didn't feel good, but it is what we needed. How we can rejoice in the fact that he didn't give us a hug and leave us in our sin, headed for Hell. He poured himself out so that we could have life.

Her words ring in my head. 

"All they need is love. You can give them that."


Can I though? Can I give them that kind of love? 

I realize that this something that God must do. Something that I need him to grow in me. Because truly, all we need is Jesus. 

 'Nothing in my hand I bring, Simply to the cross I cling.'

Life

Well, I am in the middle of my third week here. I don't know where the time went.

It was so good to have my sister, Hannah, here for the first two weeks. She was able to help me out a lot and give me some good shoves in the right direction..:)

As many of you know, when I arrived here I was uncertain as to what group of girls I was going to be working with. I am happy to say that I have officially picked a group to Momma!! I have seven girls-Glory, Hope, Meghan, Amulya, Dhivenah, Carmen, and Dawn .

I have started a pretty simple schedule with them, and it seems to be going well.We start out the day around 9am with a time of worship and prayer, and then we have a short class. I have been working on teaching them colors (and their signs) and body parts. We look at books, and I read to them. We usually have some sort of game with puzzles or balls. We end the morning by watching 'Signing Time' and just hanging out before lunch. We eat lunch together, and the girls go down for a afternoon nap. This gives me a nice chunk of time to do laundry, run errands, etc. Around 3 I go down and have chai with the Ammas, before we do the girls hair. Once all the girls have been lice combed and their hair re-braided, I take one of them out on a walk. It is a good opportunity to get them out of the house and have some one-on-one time.

A couple of things you can be praying for:

-Good relationships to be built with the girls-I don't think I realized how hard relationship-building can be. I think I  naively assumed that I could step in and have a perfect relationship with each of my girls. And I can, to some extent. They are very accepting. But I want to have a special relationship with each of them, and that is going to take time.  

-Good relationships with the Ayahs. Ayahs have tough jobs, and right now we are rather understaffed,  which is making it even harder for them. Pray that I would be understanding of them, and that we could be friends, despite the language barrier.

-Wisdom for me! There is lots to do, and lots that could be done. I need to be discerning about what is a priority and what can wait till later.  

A couple of random notes:

I have set up a wish list on Amazon India for anyone who is interested in helping be get some supplies for my home. The girls have very few toys, and many of these things would also be very helpful to have in class. The link and my address are below:

http://www.amazon.in/gp/registry/wishlist/ANENY8VQK5I/ref=cm_wl_sortbar_o_page_2?ie=UTF8&page=2

My address:

Michaela Stam

H 20 Rd. 1

Prashasan Nagar Jubilee Hills

Hyderabad, TELANGANA - 500033
Mobile #:7036420239

Also, because of government regulations I can't post any pictures of the kids on social media. If you would like to be added to my email group (I am able to email pictures), please let me know!

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. I love hearing from all of you!

I'm here!! It is currently the third day since I've been in India. So far it has been full of trying to get over jet lag (which I am obviously not over yet. It is 4 am right now..), meeting the girls and the other volunteers, touring the other homes, and doing a little shopping.

A few pictures from the rooftop! 

This last one is actually the view from our bathroom window. The little bird in the corner decided to come sing to me during my shower. :)

  

 Thus says the Lord:

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man

And makes flesh his strength,

Whose heart departs from the Lord.

For he shall be like a shrub in the desert,

And shall not see when good comes,

But shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness,

In a salt land which is not inhabited.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,

And whose hope is the Lord.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,

Which spreads out its roots by the river,

And will not fear when heat comes;

But its leaf will be green,

And will not be anxious in the year of drought,

Nor will cease from yielding fruit.

-Jeremiah 17:5-8

There are so many opportunities to trust the Lord. Especially here right now, while I am adjusting to everything. Praying that my focus would be on him, and that I would not trust in man.